[identity profile] banerry.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] whatnancysaid
Nancy enslaves neighborhood children to help her rescue a poor, defenseless mailman from certain financial harm.
Bonus: Nancy needs to make a dress. Hannah helps her make the dress, mainly by taking her measurements over and over again. Then Nancy rips the dress. Then Hannah helps her mend the dress... with Nancy inside it. Awkward, suggestive scenes run rampant throughout this little subplot.

"'Mr. Nixon!' Nancy called out of her open window. 'Let me give you a ride.' (page 1)
Aaaand the kindness overdose hits us over the head with a fluffy, sugary mallet on the very first page!
Nancy: "Mr. Nixon, my father's a famous lawyer- and he knows you're not a crook!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

"'Hello, Nancy,' (Mr. Nixon) said. '... There's (a letter) in the bottom of my bag for you. It was sent air mail from London, England.'
Nancy: "Oh, probably just another proposal from Prince Harry.."
'How exciting!' Nancy said. 'Well, I'll see you at the house.' She added, 'I'll have some hot cocoa waiting for you.'" (page 1)
Translation: "I'll have my slave, Hannah, whip up some hot cocoa for you!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The attractive, titian-blond, blue-eyed girl at once became lost in thought." (page 2)
Nancy: "Hmmm, I wonder if Ned is racially impure..."
 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The three girls were returning from an overnight visit to Red Gate Farm,
Oh, God.
where at one time Nancy, with the help of her two friends, had captured a counterfeiting gang." (page 2)
Note that Joanne gets no mention in this little summary.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The trunk of Nancy's convertible was filled with fruits and vegetables from (Red Gate Farm)." (page 2)
Narrator: "They had shoved in as many as they could before making their getaway."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Nancy) told the housekeeper about the letter from England. 'Poor Ira is half-frozen. I promised him some hot cocoa when he gets here.'
'I'll go right in and make it,' said Mrs. Gruen.
See? I totally called that. Sad, really.
'You girls unload the car. My, what a lot of stuff and it smells wonderful!'" (page 3)
Mrs. Gruen: "Food smells good let's eat do you like pie?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy, although eager to see her mail, resisted the temptation to ask for it.
God knows how much the mailmen hate it when you actually ask them to do their job.
She would wait until he was ready to give it to her." (page 3)
Mr. Nixon: "The way the system works here in River Heights is, you get your mail when we're good and ready. 'Rain or sleet or snow or hail'- in your dreams!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"A few moments later Bess came in carrying a tray with four cupts of cocoa. Behind her was George with a big plate of homeade cookies." (page 3)
When did she have time to make those? They just got back!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ira Nixon sipped his cocoa slowly." (page 4)
Mr. Nixon: "When I'm good and ready, dammit!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'All the letters still to be delivered have been stolen!' Ira Nixon exclaimed." (page 4)
I guess someone got fed up with him taking his sweet damn time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'It's a rule that a mail carrier must keep his bag with him at all times,' (Mr. Nixon) said." (page 4)
Mr. Nixon: "Even in the bathroom! Even in bed!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The Drew home stood well back from the street and was reached by a curving driveway." (page 6)
Get it? Because they're rich.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Then George went left and Bess right." (page 6)
Narrator: "Nancy went Independant."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'In the meantime Nancy had spotted little Tommy Johnson, who was riding his tricycle on the sidewalk. She hurried to talk to him." (page 6)
Nancy: "Want some candy, little boy?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'What was (the mail thief) wearing?' Nancy prodded.
Tommy giggled. 'A yellow coat and hat.'
Tommy: "And he had a monkey with him."
Nancy was puzzled. 'You mean a yellow raincoat and rain hat?'
'Nope. It was a winter coat and hat like my daddy wears.'
Nancy: "Hmmm... where was your daddy about five minutes ago, Tommy?"
'And it was yellow?' Nancy asked." (page 7)
Tommy: "Yup, yellow."
Nancy: "And with a hat?"
Tommy: "... Yes."
Nancy: "And they were both yellow."
Tommy: "You're a bit slow, aren't you?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"While Mrs. Gruen continued to administer first aid to the unconscious mail carrier, she told Nancy and Bess more about him." (page 10)
Mrs. Gruen: "Oh, I can tell you lots of things- what d'you want? Social security number? Got it. Credit card accout passwords? That, too."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"When her friend Police Chief McGinnis 
(Translation: the only one who is patient enough to put up with her)
came on the wire (Nancy) gave him the story. 
'We'll put out an alarm for the man in the yellow coat,' he told her." (page 12)
Curious George will not be pleased.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy next called the River Heights post office. The postal inspector was not in,
(Translation: the postal inspector quickly went on break when he noticed who was calling)
but an investigative aide took the message and said he would pass the word along." (page 12)
Aide: "Hey boss, we got another call from that loony Drew girl. Does this message go into recycling with the rest of 'em?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"In a few minutes Mr. Drew's secretary put the attorney on the line." (page 12)
It took a few minutes to get him on? Is this national Take Your Own Sweet Time Day or something?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Dad, we've had some real excitement at the house this morning,' (Nancy) said,
Nancy: "... And I think we're gonna need some legal help over here- can you give me the exact definition of 'assault with a deadly weapon'?" 
and proceeded to tell him what had happened.
Nancy: "... So then George jumped on top of us pushed him up against the wall, and Bess joined in on the fray with a lead pipe. Hannah went into the kitchen and made us some more hot cocoa."
'Ira Nixon hasn't regained consciousness yet.
Nancy: "But then, that blow I struck him was pretty hard..."
The doctor is here now.'" (page 12)
Mr. Drew: "Oh? Who's side is he on?"
Nancy: "Ours."
Mr. Drew: "Three against one! I like your style."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ira Nixon brushed the stretcher aside...
'I'm sorry, sir,' one of the interns said, 'but it's a hospital rule.'
The letter carrier frowned. 
Mr. Nixon: "What they hell do you know? You're just an intern!"
'You mean it's a law I've got to ride on that thing? What'll people think?'
The others smiled.
Nancy: "We think it's pretty funny, actually."
The interns helped Ira Nixon onto the stretcher and carried him to the ambulance.
Narrator: "With him kicking and screaming the whole way."
'We'll follow in my car,' said Nancy." (page 16)
Bess and George: "AMBULANCE CHASERS! WHOO!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Nancy) had been in her own house only long enough to say to Hannah, 'What's for lunch?'..." (page 17)
Nancy: "Serve my every whim, slave!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Are you Nancy Drew?' (the man at the door) asked gruffly.
'Yes, I am.'
The young man stared at her hard. Then he said,
Man: "I have the porn vids you ordered from NetFlix."
'Young lady, you've broken the law. You're in trouble with the authorities!'" (page 17)
Nancy: "Actually, I've broken the law several times. Could you please tell me what specific time you're referring to?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Miss Drew,' he began, 'you may not be aware of this, but it is against the law to 
Man: "... Have sexual relations with a porcupine in Indiana?"
invite mail carriers into your home while they are on duty?'" (page 18)
That's it? THAT'S what she's getting in trouble for? What about all the breaking and entering she's been doing for the past seven books?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Our carriers know the rule- they must keep their bags with them at all times. But this doesn't excuse you.'" (page 19)
Man: "That's right- it'll be ten years in jail for you, at least."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"In a pompous manner (the man) asked, 'What does your father have to do with this?'" (page 19)
Nancy: "Absolutely nothing. But I'll name-drop like crazy if it'll get me out of any hint of trouble."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy looked (the man) straight in the eye. 'The law says that when anyone is accused of a crime he may consult with his lawyer.'" (page 19)
Unless your name is Joe Swenson, I guess.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Are you aware,' she asked Moore, 'that Ira Nixon is in the hospital?'
'I heard something of the sort but this doesn't excuse him.'" (page 19)
Moore: "After all, this is an extremely serious crime. I expect it'll go straight to the Supreme Court- Ira Nixon v. The Crazy-Ass Anal People of River Heights."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"When she finished, Mr.  Drew burst into laughter. 'My congratulations to you on telling him you would turn the case over to your lawyer.'" (page 20)
Mr. Drew: "I love it when you use my fame to get yourself out of trouble!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Father and daughter talked a long time about the whole affair." (page 20)
Mr. Drew: "I'm sorry, honey, but it still gives me the creeps to think of you with the woman who's practically been your mother since you were three. Why don't you try Bess or George instead? Or both of 'em at the same time!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"... (Nancy) asked, 'What did my little friend Tommy mean by a yellow coat?'
He meant a coat. That was yellow. How the hell did you not understand that?
A smile flickered across Ira's face.
Ira: "You really are an idiot, aren't you?"
'Actually it's a camel-hair coat. His hat is too.
Hey! Fur KILLS!
A striking outfit and incidentally Edgar is rather handsome.'" (page 22)
Nancy: "Oh, so he couldn't be the thief, then!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'A lot of papers blew off the seat of (Edgar's) car and he wouldn't take the time to pick them up. He littered the street and we had to go around and clean up.'
Nancy asked eagerly, 'Where are the papers now?' 
'We put them in a trash can- good place for them.'" (page 24)
No, bad place for them! You cpmplain about litterbugs and you don't even recycle?!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"It suddenly occured to (Nancy) that Edgar Nixon or whoever had stolen the letters from the Drew home might be watching her." (page 26)
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not all out to get you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy went after (Edgar Nixon) but drove cautiously. Her car was much heavier, she knew." (page 27)
And when exactly did she have time to weigh his car?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Nancy) stopped at police headquarters and asked to see Chief McGinnis. The desk sergeant buzzed 
Narrator: "... Security."
his superior officer, 
Narrator: "... who forcibly removed Nancy from the vicinity."
and after a short conversation to announce Nancy, told her to go into the man's private office." (page 28)
And we all know what goes in in there.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'(Edgar Nixon) got across but I (Nancy) almost crashed through into the water.'
The chief frowned. 'Nancy, you must be more careful.'" (page 29)
Chief McGinnis: "Not because I'm concerned about you, of course; you could have wrecked the bridge!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"When Nancy arrived at (Ira Nixon's) room, she was surprised to find a strange man in it. 
'You looking for the mail carrier?' he asked. 
'Yes.'" (page 29)
Strange Man: "He told me to sit in here, and if you arrived, tell you to go away and stop bothering him." 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Hannah Gruen sent you this stew,' Nancy said. She smiled. 'I can tell you it's delicious.'
Nancy: "I know, because I ate most of it on my way over here."
'That housekeeper of yours is a fine, kind woman,' Ira Nixon said. 'And she's one of a few people a man likes to confide in.'
Nancy: "Okay, okay- just remember you're talking to her surrogate daughter/lover here."
Nancy did not want to upset the mail carrier so she refrained from mentioning
Narrator: "... The torrid love affair she had Hannah had been carrying on for the past five years."
Edgar, but Ira brought up the subject myself." (page 30)
Ira: "So, can we talk about my hot half-brother again?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Driving home, (Nancy) wondered just how she might use Edgar's photograph to get more information about him." (page 31)
... Okay, tell me again how  this girl is not considered a menace to society?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy inquired if the attendant knew his name and where he lived.
'No. He's not the talkative type. Somehow I got the idea, though, that he lives in some distant town but comes to River Heights quite often. He never says why.'" (page 32)
Nancy: "And how do you know that if you've never spoken to him?"
Attendant: "Well, I'm a professional psychic on the weekends..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"After saying hello to (Mr. Drew's) secretary, Miss Hanson, Nancy went directly into Mr. Drew's private office." (page 33)
And we all really know what goes in in there.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

(The end of Nancy's letter from England)
"'If you happen to be the Miss Drew for whom we are searching, will you be so good as to submit proofs
Letter: "Of the Side-Side-Side Congruence Postulate, the Side-Angle-Side Congruence Theorum, the Angle Addition Postulate..."
of your identity, 
If detectives are annoying snoops, and Nancy is a detective, then therefore, by the Law of Syllogism, Nancy is an annoying snoop.
whereupon we shall be happy to make arrangements for your return to England to claim the inheritance.'
...
Nancy sighed. 'How I wish I was the right Nancy Drew.'
Yeah, like you're not rich enough, Nancy.
...
'May I use one of your phones and start trying to find
Nancy: "... someone to make me a fake ID for this other Nancy Drew?"
Nancy Smith Drew?'
'Go ahead. In the meantime I'll make an overseas call to this law firm and tell them the facts.'" (page 34)
Mr. Drew: "That you're this 'Nancy Smith Drew', I mean. D'you think we could convince your friend Chief McGinnis to 'look the other way' on this one?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(The Drews) had just finished dessert when the doorbell rang.
'I'll get it,' said Nancy. 
When she opened the door a strange woman angrily forced her way inside...
'You're Nancy Drew, ain't you?'
When the girl nodded, the woman added, 'You're the one I'm looking for!' 
With that, her fist shot out and she tried to hit Nancy." (page 35)
Geez! Between random men accusing Nancy of breaking menial laws and insane women trying to punch her out, maybe she should just stop answering the door for a while.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'What are you trying to do?' (Nancy) asked. 'What do you want?'
'What I want are my rights!' the woman shouted." (page 36)
Ah, looks like she's been through the Joe Swenson ordeal...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'I am Mrs. Skeets, and now that you've heard it you'll never forget it." (page 36)
Nancy: "Yeah, that is kind of a weird last name..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Girls today don't mind what their elders think. They go flyin' around as if they owned the earth." (page 37)
Wow, Mrs. Skeets is right on the money with regards to Nancy.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Well, to begin with, I'm Mrs. Maud Skeets.'" (page 37)
THE RETURN OF MAUD! Seriously, are all the awesome characters in these books named Maud or something?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Mrs. Skeets tossed her head. 'Uppity, eh?' she said. Then, seeing Bess, George, and Hannah Gruen who had come to the hall to see 
Narrator: "... Nancy getting her ass kicked by a senile old lady..."
what the trouble was, she said sneeringly, 'Reinforcements, eh? Well, that won't do you no good. You're just like all the other Nancy Drews.'" (page 40)
Nancy: "What are you on? Seriously, are you high or something?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The following day, when Nancy was tidying up her room before leaving the house, Mrs. Gruen came in, holding a long evening dress over one arm. 
'You haven't forgotten you're going to wear this Saturday evening, have you?' she teased.
Nancy: "Oh, Hannah, you know I'm kind of involved in this mystery right now... how about if I go to the strip club with you next Saturday?"
...
The housekeeper reminded her that the dress had to be shortened.
Oh, of course she did.
... 'Please put it on now and let me pin up the hem.'
Hannah: (pants heavily)
... Nancy took off her skirt and sweater 
Nancy: "Just a quick one, Hannah."
and slipped on the pale-blue evening dress. Glancing at herself in the mirror, she realized something was missing.
Nancy: "What the... I always had two before!"
Nancy studied herself as Hannah pinned up the skirt and kept telling her to turn a little at a time." (page 41)
I'm not so sure I should be reading this...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Sailor Joe grinned, settling himself in a captain's chair. 'Why a funny thing happened to me one time when I had shore leave in Melbourne, Australia. For fun I told one of the dockhands I was a pearl diver. And me not being able to swim a stroke. That night after I'd gone to sleep, somebody came and carried me away.
Sailor Joe: "To Neverland..."
Next thing I knew I'd been shanghied onto a boat that was really going pearl diving.'
Sailor Joe laughed uproariously. Nancy wondered what was so funny about this. Instead, it seemed tragic." (page 47-48)
Meh, Nancy never had much of a sense of humor, anyway.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'How long have you lived here?' (Nancy) asked. 
'A year, maybe two,' Joe said." (page 48)
Joe: "It all kind of blurs together when you take a lot of peyote..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy put down the phone and stared into space. Once more she had run into a stone wall. How should she proceed now?" (page 52)
Um, learn how to walk through solid objects?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"As (Nancy) sat lost in thought, the phone rang. She picked up the instrument and said, 'Hello'." (page 52)
Narrator: "After the ringing still continued, Nancy figured it out- she put down the tuba and picked up the telephone." 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ned said he would call Nancy back as soon as he found out (if the acting coach was Nancy Smith Drew). 'I won't leave the house until you do!' she told him." (page 54)
Now Nancy, don't you think that's a little over-the-top?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy went upstairs. Hannah Gruen was still hemming the dance dress." (page 55)
Nancy: "Wow, Hannah- I don't think it needs to be that short..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Our phone bill will be tremendous,' (Nancy) told herself as call after call was made with no success." (page 56)
Nancy: "I'll have to do some major third-party billing to take care of all this stuff- but pranking is just so fun!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"When a woman answered, Nancy said, 
Nancy: "Cactus? Cactus!"
'Is this Mrs. Wilson?'
'Yes.'
'I'm making a long-distance calll to you to ask a question.
Nancy: "What are you wearing?"
Did you ever employ a governess named Nancy Smith Drew?'" (page 57)
Nancy: "Hmmm, that's odd. All I was doing was asking personal questions without revealing my identity- I wonder why she hung up on me?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Unfortunately I don't know where (Nancy Smith Drew) is right now. Once in a while she sends us a postcard or a Christmas message.
Mrs. Wilson: "Or an Anthrax letter."
As a matter of fact, it has been almost a year since her last note, in which she said she was moving but did not give her future address.'" (page 57)
Mrs. Wilson: "Though the threatening letter and restraining order kind of explained that, I suppose."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Mrs. Gruen smiled. 'I can see why you're a good detective,' she remarked. 'If you don't find hidden gold under one stone, 
Mrs. Gruen: "... You immediately assume that the next ugly person you see is to blame."
you turn up another.'" (page 58)
Mrs. Gruen: "Or at least enslave the leprechauns to do it for you."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"After eating, (Nancy and Hannah) returned to Nancy's bedroom
Oh, yeah...
to see if the evening dress was all right.
Nancy: "It's even more skanky than the stuff Brittney Spears wears! It's perfect!"
Nancy kicked off her sports shoes, removed her skirt and sweater,
Ummm...
then stepped into the dance dress. Hannah zipped it up." (page 58)
*sigh* You'd think Supergirl would be able to maker her own dress, but then I guess we wouldn't have a need for dramatic 'will-they-or-won't-they' scenes like this one, would we?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Chief McGinnis) said if he had any further reports he would telephone Nancy.
I love how she pretty much has the entire police force reporting to her. And by entire police force, I pretty much mean Chief McGinnis- because you know he's the only thing even remotely resembling law enforcement in this town, right? Besides the Drews and Their Whims, of course.
'We're still looking for a man who wears a camel's-hair coat and hat, but we suspect that by this time he may have changed to something different.'" (page 59-60)
Chief McGinnis: "It's a pretty big leap, but we're starting to suspect that Nixon may change his clothes from day-to-day."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Chief McGinnis laughed. 'I admire the way your mind works, Nancy.'" (page 60)
Because it takes a genius to figure out that a man who drives a junkyard car and follows his brother around asking for money might not be able to afford more than one camel-hair coat.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy looked at the big rip in her lovely dress. Could it be mended without showing? 'Oh, I hope Hannah can do something with it!'" (page 61)
Nah, I'm not buying this. I think Carolyn Keene just wants an excuse to add in more dress-making innuendo.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"When Nancy opened (the door), she was greeted by a grinning little boy.
'Hello!' said Tommy Johnson." (page 61)
Nancy: "We don't want any." (SLAM)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'(Billy) saw (the shoe) fall out of the yellow-coat man's car trunk,' the little boy explained. 'He just told me about it. I thought you might want the shoe, so I promised him some candy if he gave it to me. Do you have some candy?'" (page 62)
It looks like Tommy and Billy don't know about Stranger Danger.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'This is good detective work, Tommy. Keep it up and maybe someday you'll be a police chief!'
Nancy: "In fact, if you wanted, I could probably manipulate Chief McGinnis into giving you a position right now!"
'Oh boy, that would be something!' Tommy replied.
Tommy: "But I'd much rather by like you, and order around the police chief."
Nancy went to get two small jars of hard candy. 
Narrator: "To throw at him."
She called them her emergency treats for just such occasions.
I'd think that the whole Junior Detective thing would start to cause some trouble around town, considering she has jars and jars of candy for the stated purpose of luring the neighborhood kids to do her bidding.
When she returned, Tommy's eyes expanded." (page 63)
Someone should have a doctor check that out.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'I'd say (the shoe's) an excellent clue,' (Chief McGinnis) told (Nancy). 'But don't bother to come down here now. Tomorrow will do.'
Chief McGinnis: "I'll be far, far away by then."
Then Nancy climbed the stairs and showed Hannah the rip in her dress.
Oh boy, here we go again.
The housekeeper said she was glad 
Narrator: "... She'd be able to fondle Nancy some more."
Nancy had not been hurt. She looked at the tear for some time." (page 63)
Trust me, Nancy- that's not what she's looking at...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The lawyer hesitated and Nancy sensed that what he was about to say was not going to please her. Finally he told her. 
'You and I have been discharged,' he said." (page 65)
Mr. Drew: "That police chief told me he's finally had enough of you."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"... Mr. Bates-Jones said, 'but we have  had a communication from an American detective agency that for a fee they will tell us the secret whereabouts of the heiress.'
Mr. Drew frowned. 'But how did they learn you're looking for her?'
'That we don't know, but we have no reason to believe the firm is not telling the truth.'" (page 67)
You mean besides the fact that the whole scenerio sounds like something out of a bad X-Files episode?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Before saying good-by, Mr. Drew added, 'Frankly, Mr. Bates-Jones, my daughter and I are very suspicious about this. I advise you not to part with any money until the whole thing has been thoroughly investigated.'" (page 67)
I don't suppose it'd do any good to point out that Mr. Bates-Jones is a lawyer too, would it?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The ringing of the telephone brought Nancy out of her meditation." (page 69)
Nancy's awakened out of stupors fairly often, isn't she? I wonder what Hannah slips into her food...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Ira Nixon) explained that he had had a chill and one of his neighbors had come in to build a fire." (page 70)
I'm sorry, Ira, but that's not why they set your house in fire.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Further suspicion ran through Nancy's mind. It seemed most unnnatural for a brother to be so uncommunicative." (page 72)
And here, ladies and gentlemen, is just one more example of why Nancy would never survive in the real world.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"... Nancy drove directly to police headquarters 
Narrator: "... With a loaded gun."
and asked to see Chief McGinnis. She was told to go right into his office.
What, she doesn't have her own private entrace by this point?
'Hello, Nancy,' he said. 'You've been neglecting us lately.'
Chief McGinnis: "Your community service hours aren't over yet, young lady. I just hope next time you'll take our drunk driving laws  more seriously!"
He grinned and added,
Chief McGinnis: "Not that I mind."
'I thought you'd have the mystery of the missing mail solved by this time.'
Chief McGinnis: "... and be back to working on the dilemma of the destroyed dollhouse."
'Not quite yet,' Nancy replied. 'But I do have some interesting clues. Here's one of them,' she said, handing over the worn shoe to Chief McGinnis." (page 73-74)
Chief McGinnis: (sigh) "You know, all of us down here at the station feel sorry for her. What with her mother being dead and her One True Love being in her sixties, we don't think it does any harm to indulge her a little. It's not like she's hurting anybody. She's just a little... slow, is all. Oh sure, she might get a little annoying at times, and she rarely really makes that much sense, but hey- it could be worse, right?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy tooted again." (page 75)
Say "excuse me", Nancy.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'I have something interesting to tell you, Nancy,' (Bess) said. 'Ned tried to phone you but you'd already left the house.'" (page 75)
Bess: "Now, I know you said you felt a restraining order was too harsh, Nancy, but in light of the circumstances I really think that..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Bess looked puzzled.
Nothing new there.
'Are you trying to say Edgar plans to keep (Nancy Smith Drew) from learning about the inheritance?' 
'Could be,' George answered. 'I wouldn't put anything past that man.'
But you don't even know him.
...
'Of course all this doesn't explain the money sent to Dad which was stolen,' (Nancy) said.
'Edgar's a slick one,' George remarked." (page 76)
But you don't even know him!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"George grinned. 'In any case, we'd better get to Ridgefield as fast as we can and stop the wedding!'" (page 77)
This is beginning to sound eerily like a Mary Kate and Ashley movie. 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'It's starting to snow,' Bess remarked as a few flakes hit the windshield of Nancy's convertible." (page 78)
Nancy: "I don't care. The top stays down."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Due to the storm, it took longer to get to Ridgefield than Nancy had hoped, but she was buoyed up by an exciting thought. Soon she would either come face to face with Edgar Nixon or find out whether or not he was married." (page 79)
Narrator: "Either way, she was confident that soon enough, she'd have him for herself."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'As a matter of fact, (Edgar) seemed quite happy (at Mrs. Hemmer's boarding house). But then, I suppose when you inherit money you want to move to better quarters.'
The girls tried not to show their excitement at this statement. Nancy said nonchalantly, 'So Edgar inherited some money?'" (page 80)
What is it with Nancy always verifying people's rhetorical statements in this book?!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy heaved a sigh, but tried not to reveal her great disappointment." (page 81)
Well, if Mrs. Hemmer's any good at reading body language, I'm sure she figured that one out on her own.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The justice of the peace was a short, rotund man with a jolly look.
Santa Claus!
He seemed amused by Nancy's inquiry." (page 83)
Justice of the Peace: "Well, this is the 50s, so gay marriages aren't exactly socially acceptable... I think you'd have better luck in Vegas, young lady."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'I haven't married anybody for a month,' the justice of the peace said, 
Justice of the Peace: "... Because I think all my current wives are starting to get suspicious."
'and never anyone named Edgar Nixon or Nancy Drew." (page 83)
Justice of the Peace: "I may have had sixty-seven spouses over the past ten years, but no one can accuse me of forgetting any of their names!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Nancy, Bess, and George) pooled their coins and took turns dialing the names on list." (page 83)
Oh, just red box 'em. It's not like you don't break the law all the time, anyway.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The three girls were watching Mrs. Hemmer intently. What would she reveal next?" (page 85)
Bess: "Oh, godly Mrs. Hemmer! Bestow upon us your infinite wisdom!"
George: "Tell us the meaning of life, the universe, and everything!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy showed her driver's license, but said, 'Suppose I give you Ira Nixon's telephone number, you can dial it and tell him I'm here.'
Nancy: "Or I could just talk to him myself, I suppose... but let's make this a bit more confusing."
(Mrs. Hemmer) asked Nancy to make the call and she would talk with Ira Nixon.
Mrs. Hemmer: "I think my phone gave me herpes last week. I don't want to risk dialing again."
After a short delay Ira Nixon came on the line.
THRILL as our heroes USE A TELEPHONE!
Nancy identified herself, told where she was, 
Narrator: "... And said some more, quike frankly, very inappropriate things, none of which I will transcribe here."
and introduced Mrs. Hemmer.
'You take it now,' she said, handing the woman the phone." (page 85)
Nancy: "That's right, dear. You can do it!"
Mrs. Hemmer: (frightened) "Are you sure it's safe?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Of course (Edgar) never told me much about himself, but then it's just as well not to have too much talk between a guesthouse owner and her roomers." (page 86)
Mrs. Hemmer: "You never know when talk will turn dirty."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"When they reached the street on which the convertible was parked, Bess suggested it would be easier to walk down the hill in the middle of the street rather than on the sidewalk." (page 87)
Easier for doing what? Getting  hit by a car? Nah, I'm not buying this- My guess is that she's just trying to get Nancy killed.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Most likely,' Geoge put in, '(Edgar) promises, for sums of money, to marry a whole bunch of women, and when things get too hot, 
When things get too hot? You'd think that's what he'd be looking for.
he just skips out. 
There enough commas in that sentence for you, George?
This time, with Nancy learning too much about him, he had to leave before he had a chance to pick up the last bunch of letters. I'll bet there's twenty-five dollars in every one of these!'
'Shall we find out?' Bess asked eagerly. 
Nancy shook her head. 'To read an open or half-open letter is one thing. But to open the whole thing and snoop inside is illegal.'" (page 90-91)
Oh, come on! Since when do you care, Nancy? Just open the damn things!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Mr. Drew was waiting for Nancy in the kitchen and she thought she detected relief in his expression.
Don't kid yourself, Nance.
'Dad, were you worried about me?'
Mr. Drew: "Come on- am I ever?"
'I certainly was. The storm didn't hit us very much, but I heard on the radio it was very heavy over in Ridgefield.'" (page 95)
So let me get this straight- he's perfectly fine with her chasing dangerous criminals all over the country, but when she gets caught in a snowstorm he worries himself to death?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Hannah Gruen, vigorously whipping potatoes in a pot..." (page 95)
How do you 'whip' potatoes? And geez- does this woman ever stop cooking?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy interrupted. 'Please tell me why you really came here. I am very busy upstairs." (page 99)
Nancy: "I'm paying this hooker by the minute!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy realized that the letters stolen from the Drews had not been returned. She said (to Mrs. Skeets), 'How do you know all the letters were mailed back to the people?'
' 'Cause I went around and asked everybody in the neighborhood.'" (page 100)
Hmmm. Sounds like something Nancy would do.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Mrs. Skeets) put her hand on the doorknob, but before turning it, she looked straight at Nancy and with a smirk said, 'I guess you've had your fun.'" (page 101)
Nancy: "No, my fun'll be upstairs, after you leave."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'But we have no lead to the guilty person (who stole the mail),' (the postal inspector) told (Nancy). 'Even that shoe your little friend Tommy gave you must belong to someone else. Shoe prints of Edgar Nixon at Ira's house don't match.'" (page 103)
Because it's entirely impossible that a person might own more than one pair of shoes. Uh-huh. Riiiight...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'How long will it take to X-ray the letters?' Nancy asked the postal inspector." (page 104)
Postal Inspector: "Dunno. How bad are the fractures?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy was elated and waited for the postal inspector to comment. He said, 'I think your idea of a Lonely Hearts Club and money coming in installments is a good one.'" (page 104)
Nancy: "Good boy. Here's a cookie."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Dave Evans was blond, green-eyed,
*gasp* Not blue-eyed? Is Carolyn Keene straying from the path of rightousness now?
and of rangy build. He gazed at Bess fondly. 
Dave: "I've never met anyone easier to get in the sack than her..."
'You look stunning in that new suit,' he remarked. 'I like that fur collar. What is it- squirrel?'
George spoke up. 'Yep. She shot it on the way up here.'" (page 106)
Hey, look! George can be funny when she really tries hard enough! She should come write for this comm.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The announcer went on, 'Late this afternoon, we fellows decided that it would be impossible to put on the play we had planned, so we have subsituted
Announcer: "... A keg party, just like a real fraternity!"
a comedy. It is called The Mix-up.'" (page 107)
I am totally convinced that this will have nothing to do with Nancy's letter mix-up mystery.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

(while locked inside the Emerson College gymnasium)
"I guess we'll have to break the glass and yell.'
'But the chicken wire was put up there so the glass wouldn't get broken,' Marian pointed out.
Marian: "We should be considerate to the people who locked us in here, and not destroy their property!"
Nancy said she realized this, but hoped that a hard blow would break the wire as well as the glass." (page 112)
Nancy: "... Thus causing even more damage! Yay!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Nancy) began to feel around the floor with her feet, hoping to locate some heavy object.
Narrator: "To bash Marian's head in with."
Presently she found what felt like a cannon ball. She assumed it was a ball used for shot-put contests." (page 112)
Or it could have been just a cannonball. You never know what those Emerson frat boys will get up to...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"A feeling of exasperation came over (Nancy). Suppose no one else came past whose attention she could attract!
'Here come a couple of boys. Quick! Break the glass!' Marian cried out.
Primative flirting techniques, demonstrated right here at Emerson College.
...
Together, the two girls screamed out, 'Ned! Frank!'" (page 113-114)
Are Ned, Frank, and Dave the only two boys at the college, or what?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Ned and Nancy) has almost reached (Nancy's car) when a large rock came whizzing through the air. It was aimed directly at Nancy!" (page 115)
Janitor: "That'll teach you to break my windows!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Instantly (Ned) pulled (Nancy) down to the pavement and the stone sailed over the girl's head.
Narrator: "... And hit Ned smack dab in the middle of his forehead."
It crashed through one of the fraternity-house windows." (page 116)
Something tells me that this is the most drama and destruction Emerson College has seen in years.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Both (Nancy) and Ned saw a man running toward the parking lot. They dashed after him. Ned soon outdistanced Nancy..." (page 116)
Nancy: "... That little incident doesn't change a thing about who's in charge in this relationship. Understand, mister?"
Ned: "Yes, O Lord and Master."
Nancy: "Good. Now go get me a beer."
Ned: "... Beer?"
Nancy: "My God, what kind of frat boy are you?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'I- I really didn't mean no harm, miss,' (Rock boy) said. 'Please don't make me tell my name. It'll be bad for me.'
Rock Boy: "My buddy threw a rock at someone once- he got life without parole. I got family to think about, miss!"
'Why?' Nancy said. 'Would you rather tell the police?'
'Oh no! Not the police!' the man pleaded." (page 117)
Geez, relax. It's not like they can do anything to you. This is a Nancy Drew book police force, remember?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Legally the man was right. He could insist that he had not intended to hit Nancy or the window with the stone.
So what would he say? He goes around throwing rocks at invisible enemies for fun?
'You should pay for repairing the window,' Nancy said." (page 117)
Speak for yourself, Cannonball Girl.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'I'll tell you the whole story. A smooth-lookin' guy came up to me down in the village and asked me
Man: "... If I'd seen the guy who stole his chickens."
 if I'd like to earn some money.'
'Yes?' Nancy prodded the man as he paused.
'Well, he gave me a few dollars to do a job. He showed me a picture of you, miss, and said when you come home tonight, here at this house, I was to throw a big-sized rock at you and scare you.'" (page 118)
The Emerson College branch is a small, low-key branch of the Mafia.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Edgar Nixon) must be getting desperate to try such a villainous method to keep her from trying to solve the mystery about him." (page 118)
Nancy, people have tried to run you over with cars. They've tried to blow you up (more than once). You've been tied up and left for dead in a burning submarine. This guy hired someone to throw a rock at you. Get things in perspective, please.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ned let go his hold on Otto Busch. 'I advise you not to be doing errands for people you don't know.
Ned: "Even if they offer you candy or a puppy, young man."
How much did the man pay you for this job?'
'Twenty-five dollars.' 
Everything is twenty-five dollars in these books! The amount the women payed Edgar Nixon to hitch them up, the amount Joe Swenson sent to his wife in the last book, Nancy and the Lovesick, Pathetic Boyfriend...
'That's pretty high pay for throwing one stone,' Ned remarked. (page 118)
Ned: "Couldn't you have used a flame-thrower, or something?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"In a few minutes a pleasant voice answered. Nancy put the same question. 'Have you a reservation for today or someday soon for a Mr. and Mrs. Edgar Nixon, or a Mr. Nixon and Miss Nancy Smith Drew?'
Reservations Girl: "I'm sorry, but I can't just go around revealing aspects of the passenger manifest to every random person who calls. Just who the hell do you think you are?"
'Just a minute.'" (page 123)
*sigh*
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Suddenly Nancy realized that she still did not know if the reservation was for Mr. and Mrs. Edgar Nixon, or for Edgar and Nancy Smith Drew. Also, she had not found out whether or not they were going to London, nor on what day they were flying." (page 124)
Narrator: "Nancy fell into a pit of despair when faced with her own inadequacies."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Marian Wilson said she had a request to make. 'Since both Ned and Frank are playing, how about you and I attend the game together?'" (page 126)
Marion: "Since both our boyfriends will be busy, we can fool around as much as we want and they'll never know!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"On the playing field, Ned Nickerson realized there was no magic formula for conquering State U." (page 128-129)
Ned: "Man, I can't believe Gandalf lied to me!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Eeh! Yeeh!' Marian exclaimed, jumping up and down and waving her arms wildly." (page 130)
Oh no, she's having a seisure! Quick, save her, Nancy!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"(Nancy) felt confident about Ned's place-kicking. The sportswriters had praised his toe. Now he would add to their score!" (page 130)
All hail the awesome power of the sportswriters! They truly know all!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ned's leg came forward, his toe hit the ball, and sent it sailing into the air as the spectators rose to their feet." (page 130)
No, no, you guys don't catch the ball- the players do.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Pages 128-131 describe a football game play-by-play, in which Ned and Fred are the only players who really do anything at all. Is anyone surprised? No, I didn't think so.

"Nancy and Marian screamed themselves hoarse as the autumn shadows settled over the stadium and a brisk wind began to blow across the field." (page 133-134)
Well, somebody's taken a creative writing course...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Three more points went up on the scoreboard- Emerson 9, State U 7. Colored streamers flew down from the stands, and confetti rained over the delerious spectators.
Narrator: "State U fans held up placards, spelling the words 'Yale Sucks'."
'Ned did it!' Nancy screamed. 'He won the game!'" (page 134-135)
Marion: "Geez, Nancy- I'm right next to you? How much coffee did you have this morning, anyway?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ned teased (Nancy) by saying he was sure she would never squeeze her convertable in such a tight parking place. However, after several skillful twists of the wheel, Nancy maneuvered the car in the vacant spot. Ned admitted he could not have done a finer job." (page 139)
*sigh* Something tells me Carolyn Keene never learned to parallel park.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"About halfway back to the fraternity house, (Ned and Nancy) suddenly became aware of bright lights behind them." (page 140)
Man in Car: "The hell do you two think you're doing? Why d'you think they invented SIDEWALKS, huh?!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"With a tremendous leap (Nancy and Ned) managed to get out of the way of the oncoming car. The couple landed on some tree roots and lost their balance.
Suddenly it was dark around them." (page 141)
Hmmm, daylight fades fast in the world of Nancy Drew.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Are you sure you're all right?' Ned asked solicitously. 'You don't want to go back to the fraternity house first?'" (page 142)
Ned: "We have an all-star team of medical doctors there!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Nancy then left with Ned and went back to the fraternity house. Bess and George were already in the girls' bedroom..." (page 143)
So their fraternity house has an entire bedroom just for girls? Maybe it is like a real fraternity...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"A moment later the band started a lively tune and one by one couples began to go back onto the dance floor. Bess, George, Burt, and Dave waved to Nancy as they passed by." (page 144)
Bess, George, Burt and Dave: "Nyah nyah, we have people to dance with and yo-ou do-on't!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The band leader called out, 'Where is Nancy Drew?'
'Here I am!' Nancy said, jumping up and raising her hand.
Nancy: "Will you dance with me?"
'Will you step up here,' the leader requested.
Band Leader: "The lack of a question mark makes it pretty clear that that was more of a demand than a request, but I thought it'd be nice to at least give the impression of cordiality."
'The police want to see you.'
Band Leader: "And they have tasers."
As Nancy hurried forward, a gasp went up around the room. Why did the police want to see her?" (page 144)
Eh, they probably just found some new clues for her to inspect. Either that, or they discovered all the money that she 'confiscated' from the Red Gate Farm cult in order to buy some new clothes.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"As (Nancy) stood pondering directly under the curtain, she heard a noise above her.
Nancy: "Hmmm... probably nothing. I think  I'll go ponder this mystery stuff some more, while standing directly in the middle of a busy intersection."
A sixth sense told the young detective to move in a hurry." (page 145)
Nancy: "See? Voices in your head can be useful."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"'Someone tried to kill me by dropping the curtain!'" (page 146)
Note to Nancy: Heavy cloth usually won't kill you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ned explained that Jim was on guard for the evening to turn away from the dance anyone who was not invited." (page 146)
Jim: "Only those pure of mind, body, and spirit may enter the Emerson College frat boy dance."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Jim said a plainclothesman had come up to him and showed a badge. The detective said he did not want to intrude and asked that a student take the message to Nancy." (page 146)
Well, was the badge done in crayon? That might've been a clue.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 

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